Divorce is rarely done well, according to clinical psychologist Phoebe Rogers. It’s usually messy, deeply emotional, and often driven by hurt and resentment.

The thing is, it doesn’t have to look like bitter court battles, tense child handovers and ex-partners who can barely stand to be in the same room as you. It also doesn’t have to feel like a failure.

For many women, divorce can mean the complete upending of one life and the daunting yet exciting beginning of another.

The hurt is inevitable; there’s no neat way to untangle a shared life without some heartbreak. But there is a way to make the process less painful for both people.

“When we talk about getting divorced ‘well’, it doesn’t mean the absence of pain. According to Rogers, divorcing well is about stepping into the role of a mature, healthy adult during one of the most painful experiences a human can go through.”

“It requires a profound level of self-awareness. It’s the ability to look at what has happened and realise that, ultimately, we’re imperfect humans who have done our best. It’s about holding the history of the relationship with compassion rather than using it as ammunition. When people fail to do this, these painful emotions extend into every corner of their lives.”

According to Rogers, these are the essential steps for navigating a separation with your mental health and your heart intact.

Mediation can help.

Navigating the end of a relationship is rarely simple, but Rogers says one form of external support can make the process significantly easier: mediation.

“It’s a process where you come together with a neutral party to have a discussion aimed at fairness and equity for everyone involved.”

Rather than jumping straight into a legal battle, she says a neutral third party can often act as a bridge to a fairer, more balanced outcome. Acting as an intermediary, a professional mediator, often someone with a legal background, will typically speak to each person separately before bringing them together. They help navigate the heavy lifting: financials, childcare and contributions to the relationship.

“You have to be able to have balanced conversations,” she says. “That means separating the emotions and the emotional history from the task at hand. You need to talk about what each person contributed and then, together, come up with a plan.”

“The goal is to reach an agreement, rather than going through court processes,” Rogers adds, “which can be incredibly drawn out and awful.”

Adopting a ‘business’ mindset.

“When a relationship ends, the emotional landscape shifts instantly, requiring a total recalibration of how you interact with your former partner,” Rogers explains. “Emotions are naturally heightened, but there is a shift that has to happen. They are not your partner or your emotional support anymore. You almost have to move into a ‘business’ mindset.”

Unless the emotions settle, and you can remain friends, Rogers suggests that you need to separate who they were to you from who they are now and stay firmly in the present. Establishing a new rhythm of communication is often the first step in protecting that headspace.

“Limits around the nature, tone, and frequency of communication are really important,” she says. “You have to ask: is what they’re reaching out for appropriate? If you manage those boundaries well, you can move into the practicalities and the ‘business arrangement’ of a separation much more easily.”

Managing your emotions.

When it comes to managing the more volatile emotions, like betrayal or rage, that can lead to destructive choices, Rogers advises looking inward rather than lashing out.

“Find the part of you that is disciplined and holds a strong set of values; the part that doesn’t want to hurt other people,” she suggests. “Anger is not a constructive emotion, and it is yours to manage. Remove yourself, journal, and reflect. Most of the time, people need to get to the more vulnerable layers underneath the sadness, the loneliness, and the anxiety about the future.”

“Rather than pointing outwards and blaming, ask: what is my part in this? That is when you can actually feel empowered.”

Managing family.

“Friends and family often think they understand the situation, but they usually hold biased views,” Rogers explains. “They don’t see the underlying power plays and complex dynamics that are truly at work. You need to find friends who are self-aware and patient enough to realise that, in a divorce, what meets the eye is rarely the full story.”

“Sometimes loved ones can get overly involved. They might smother you with emotion or pressure you to be rigid and fight for the sake of it, but that advice often reflects their own history rather than your actual needs. Ultimately, you are the one who has to weigh your own time, financial resources, and emotional resilience. You can’t just take what everyone else is saying as gospel; you have to protect your own energy first.”

A child-centred approach.

When a separation involves children, the focus needs to shift from the end of the relationship to the stability of the family unit. According to Rogers, the most successful outcomes are entirely child-centred, prioritising the needs of the children over the personal grievances of the parents.

“It’s about asking yourself: ‘what is actually going to serve your children’?” Rogers explains. “I find that parents often go one of two ways: they either expose children to too much conflict and emotion, forcing them to grow up too quickly, or they don’t tell them enough, leaving them in a state of confusing unknowing.”

Finding that middle ground means being honest but age-appropriate. “You have to answer their questions in a way that makes sense to them while providing predictability and routine. Even for older kids, they need to know exactly where they will be and when.”

The logistics of co-parenting require discipline and a commitment to a new normal. According to Rogers, being a good ex-partner often starts with respecting the schedule.

“Try your best to commit to the routine and understand the impact of last-minute changes,” she says. “There is a pressure that gets put on the other parent, and you need to hold onto that compassion. You still have a duty and a responsibility to that unit.”

However, Rogers is also realistic about the fact that co-parenting doesn’t always go according to plan. In those cases, self-reliance becomes the best strategy.

“When it isn’t being done well, and there are constant last-minute changes, I often coach parents to act as if they are a single parent,” she says. “It’s about finding your own tribe and external supports, so that you and your children can remain regulated, even when the other side is unpredictable.”

Before making the decision.

“I would always recommend seeing a psychologist or a therapist before making a final decision, but it’s important to find someone with a relationship speciality,” Rogers explains. “I often work with clients who come to me simply because they want to understand the situation before they decide to leave.”

The goal of this pre-divorce therapy isn’t necessarily to save the marriage, but to ensure the decision is grounded in clarity rather than impulse or fear.

“You need to check what is actually driving the desire to leave,” she says. “Sometimes there is a way out that you just can’t see, and sometimes there isn’t, but you want to be sure. Other times, staying stuck because you think there’s a solution when there isn’t can be just as damaging. There is so much to unpack, from external pressures and beliefs about children to the fear of being single and alone. If you don’t understand those internal drives, you might make a life-altering decision without the full picture. Give yourself the opportunity to learn and grow first; that is always helpful.”

Reclaiming your narrative.

For many, particularly women who may have spent decades taking care of everyone else, a separation can feel like losing their entire identity. Rogers suggests that the key to finding yourself again often lies in looking backwards.

“In my work, we talk about the ‘child part’, not just the hurt child, but the one who was playful, creative, and fun. Often, the answers are back there. Maybe you were always the sensitive one or the one who lit up a room.”

Reconnecting with those core traits is the first step toward building a new future. “We look at values, purpose, and strengths. For many, sitting in that empty space after a marriage ends is tricky. It is good to practice sitting in that stillness in little ways, assessing your strengths and rediscovering what actually brings you light.”

Finding a new way of living.

“When things fall apart, the initial narrative is often, ‘This bad thing was done to me,'” Rogers explains. “I see a lot of betrayal and conflict, and while I validate that pain, I also help people find a more accurate narrative, one they can actually live with and understand.”

Part of that process involves a difficult but necessary look at the unresolved interpersonal problems that may have existed long before the final break. “The best thing anyone can do is learn something about themselves. Ask: ‘What did I attract into my life? What did I not say early enough? What was I saying all the time that wasn’t heard?’ It’s about looking at what you allowed and finding the lessons in that.”

Rogers notes that as grief begins to lift, it is often replaced by a newfound sense of self-respect. “From that grief, people rise into their power. They find new boundaries and higher expectations for the people in their lives. They begin to see that life goes on and that happy moments are still possible.”