Is Mel Robbins’ viral ‘Let Them Theory’ the ultimate dating hack? Or does it oversimplify the complexity of people’s behaviour? We asked the experts.
If the name Mel Robbins doesn’t ring a bell, you’ve impressively evaded all self-help cultural buzz since January. And for that, I tip my hat to you.
Her ascent to global fame has been so rapid, she didn’t just nudge Joe Rogan, the podcasting king himself, off his throne; she politely yeeted him out of the number one spot on the Spotify podcast charts to claim her rightful place as the most listened-to podcast in the country.
The author, podcaster, and former lawyer’s latest self-help book, The Let Them Theory, has achieved viral acclaim, marking the most successful non-fiction book launch in history.
The premise of Robbins’ book centres around a detachment mindset hack: the aforementioned ‘Let Them Theory,’ a mindset hack shifting your focus from controlling others to managing your own responses.
Say your hot new fling ghosts you an hour before you’re meant to meet up after you’ve already blow-dried your hair – the ‘Let Them’ approach suggests that instead of furiously texting them, overanalysing their disappearing act with your friends or plotting some sort of revenge scheme, you take a deep breath, ‘let them,’ and treat yourself to a pad see ew and a glass of wine.
This detachment trick, with a fervent global following, could be the key to navigating the early dating hellscape without losing your precious inner peace. After all, you have about as much control over the outcome of a Hinge match as you do an eight-week-old hyperactive golden retriever – so why not let them do their thing, and spare your group chat the lengthy voice memos.
But is it really the answer to complete emotional liberty?
eHarmony’s relationship expert, Nicole Colantoni says that, when implemented correctly, the ‘Let Them’ Theory could be a useful dating tool.
“Many people think you need to ‘play it cool’, text at the right time, and avoid seeming too needy or available; we’re led to believe it’s about adjusting our behaviour to get the desired result,” she says. “Instead, this theory counters that by encouraging daters to step back and let things unfold naturally. It’s less about chasing and more about noticing how the other person shows up and choosing what aligns with you.”
However, not everyone is entirely convinced of its universal applicability. Clinical psychologist, dating expert and author, Phoebe Rogers, believes it’s not quite that simple. “These rigid mindfulness hacks are oversimplifying things and fail to consider the nuances of a person.
“Yes, how people treat you is often about them, but sometimes, you need to express your feelings, or negotiate. If you just ‘let them,’ you could potentially leave a dynamic that could be a healthy one.”
Like Layla’s experience, Colantoni has found with her clients that this mindset shift can be really helpful. “The ‘Let Them’ Theory offers freedom from needing control. It reminds us that if someone is truly compatible and emotionally available, you won’t have to work so hard or convince them to stay.”
Rogers agrees. “If there’s a pattern of them not replying to messages for days, not prioritising your connection, and they aren’t giving you time, let them go – there are plenty of fish in the sea. There’s going to be someone who will meet you where you’re at, but you also want to set that boundary for yourself. But wait for the pattern of inconsistency, because I think we assume it’s a pattern really quickly, and maybe we need to ask questions to understand what is going on.”
So, do you fancy giving this ‘Let Them’ theory a go in the dating arena? I must say, the theory does have its merits; by cultivating a mindset that resists those white-knuckled grasps at a desired outcome, you can accept what will romantically be.